HOW DO I BECOME AN ELDER?

Part 1 of 2

HOW DO I BECOME AN ELDER?

A Two-Part Response

Part 1 of 2

Q: If I were a reader encountering your writing, I would be thinking something like “Yes, that’s the way I want to be in my elder years, but how do I become that. How do I become such a person? I don’t have that equanimity, that big picture perspective, that non-attachment, etc., etc., etc. May I suggest you write some articles answering this question? It can frustrate a lot of people to read about an ideal but not receive actionable information to help them move toward that ideal.” — R.P.

A: Good question.

“How do I become an Elder?”

Let’s begin with the word “become.” It’s the keyword in your question. Elder, as you point out, can be an ideal rather than a reality.

You see, becoming precedes action. Become means to come into existence, to come to be, to undergo change or development.

Action occurs in time and space. Becoming does not.

But what is becoming if it’s not an action?

Becoming is a shift in what organizes your actions.

Becoming is not what you do.

It’s where your doing comes from.

Think of it this way: action is visible. Becoming is invisible — but decisive.

Becoming is the shift in the source of your actions.

Let me ground this statement.

You’ve had the experience of “deciding something is over.”

A relationship. A job. A way you’ve been living.

Before that moment, you analyze, debate, and justify. You take actions, but nothing really changes. Then something clicks — not loudly, not dramatically. Just a clean internal shift: I’m done.

After that, your actions changed almost effortlessly. Conversations were different. Decisions were quicker with far less effort. Anxiety left the building. What you tolerated disappeared. A feeling of freedom and ease ensued.

Did you “act” your way into that shift?

No.

The shift happened — and then the actions followed.

That’s becoming.

Becoming is a change in source.

Now let’s talk about becoming an Elder.

If you try to act like an Elder, you’ll manage behavior:

“I should be calmer.”

“I should be more understanding.”

“I shouldn’t react.”

That’s exhausting. And fragile.

But when there’s a shift from:

“How is this affecting me?”

to

“What is required here?”

You understand this difference if you have children; you know exactly what it means. You know the difference between “How is this affecting me?” and “What is required here?”

Your actions reorganize without effort.

You listen differently.

You speak differently.

You don’t get pulled into the same patterns.

Not because you’re trying — but because you’re no longer organized the same way.

That’s becoming.

It’s not an action.

It’s the context that actions arise from.

Another way to say it:

Action is what you do.

Becoming is who you’re being when you do it.

And here’s the practical part — because this can sound abstract if we leave it here.

You can’t “do” becoming.

To initiate becoming an Elder, to cause the shift, the first directive is to notice what is currently organizing you… and then to consciously cause a shift. Become self-aware, then make another choice.

This is to be done right in the middle of a real situation.

Someone challenges you.

You feel the familiar reaction rise — defend, explain, justify.

That’s the old organizing principle: protect yourself.

In that moment, you don’t fix the reaction. You don’t suppress it.

You see it. You experience it.

And then you ask, simply:

What is actually required here?

If that question lands — even slightly — the center shifts.

Engaging with that question causes a shift in becoming.

The response that follows is action.

So, if you’re looking for a clean distinction:

Becoming is not movement.

It’s an orientation.

But an orientation to and around ‘what?’

Part II will answer that question…